By Mary Muthoni Kariuki

  • It’s who I am, I tell it as is.

That is totally fake, what they are actually saying is, I need psychological help, I have an identity crisisPLEASE HELP ME! Or as my younger brother puts it I tell it as it is to people I really don’t care about but to the people I really care and love I am afraid of hurting their feelings.

The ‘I tell it as it’ simply put is that the person in question is rude and they don’t want to do anything about it. Shame!

  • “I am opened minded” is simply another way of saying I am confused.

So for the students of English, Open minded and confused can be used interchangeably. Well, they should be.

  • “I will know when I get there,”

It only means that you are lost and you need all the help you can get in finding your way in life. It also means you haven’t thought much about your life. You may get there and realize that you never wanted to go there in the first place.

  • “I want a man who is tall dark and handsome or I want a very beautiful woman for a wife.”

Means: You are not pretty yourself, or handsome. Beauty is not something you possess. People always want what they are not. It may also mean you understand evolution and do not your offspring to have undesirable traits.

  • “Let me pray about it.” Men this actually means: –
  1. Even though, I have never thought about you, you might be a good plan B.
  2. You are not the only one in the picture and I am afraid that if I say yes to you I might lose out on the one I truly love.
  3. The thought of getting married to you or being in relationship with you is too scary, and I need all the strength I can before saying yes.
  4. I need to beat my body into submission just to be able to say yes.

God has nothing to do with it, just a battle that I have to fight with my inner self.

  • “Our tribe is being attacked, is another way of saying; we are very foolish beyond measure. Usually the politician involved has NOTHING to do with you, and does not know you even exist and even the same was to happen to you, the phrase would not be used to apply to you.
  • Since those shady phone dealers are not planning to give me one bob change back, then the 3499 should change to 3500, the 4999 should be 5000, while the 4449 should be 4450. Enough said.
  • Of night runners, do they have six packs, are they handsome/pretty because they would be cute to watch or spy on. It might also help their cause when they are arguing that night running is of no harm to anyone apart from the runner who risks pneumonia for running naked in the middle of a cold night. If the night runner is not as good looking and he’s running in his birthday suit that might not only be scary but also traumatizing to anyone who may accidentally see them. This also goes for the men; please don’t remove your shirt in public unless you have a six pack.